This is far beyond the time at which I would like to go to bed… and yet I am still up, by my own will. I know that I will be regretting this when I wake up tomorrow, and likely throughout the day at work. But I have no will power to head to bed. While it is quite silent, it is so very noisy in my head..

I just finished A New Kind of Christian tonight, a lovely book by Brian McLaren. I wholeheartedly suggest it, but do have some restraint if you do read it; to absorb everything blindly could be quite dangerous, as I have learned. It takes a lot of thought and a lot of discussion to sort out everything in the book.

There’s something other than the whole spiritual side of things that I got from the book: the two main characters had a very deep, albeit short, friendship, and I realized that I had nothing of the sort in my own life.. I don’t think that there is anyone to whom I feel completely and utterly comfortable divulging my most personal thoughts.. I think I bring this upon myself because, frankly, I don’t think that I trust anyone enough, although I really wish that I did. It’s not even a matter of me not knowing the right people; I love my friends, and I have the utmost respect for them. Maybe it’s just a matter of my own insecurity and self-consciousness that I keep so many things contained… I don’t know.

I certainly feel that I have began to open up a little, but not nearly to the extent that I wish I could.. it’s not an easy thing to change a characteristic with which you’ve grown up, and on which you have depended for years. My desire to be self-reliant and independent could be doing me more harm than good. While I do take things up with God, I guess I’m looking to hear an “it’s ok, Justin” or a “don’t worry about it” instead of hoping that I get that from Him. I don’t know.. maybe this is all in my head and I’m too tired to know what’s going on in my head. Or maybe I’m really seeing the truth of the matter when I’m worn thin. After all, the Romans always did say in vinum, veritas.

So I’m in the last few official hours of the World Vision 30-Hour Famine… for the past 30+ hours (I didn’t eat right before it began), I have had nothing except many glasses of water, and I have managed to raise half of my personal goal. To be honest, I don’t think 30 hours is that bad at all; yes, I have been quite hungry over the course of the day, but it was not anything too unreasonable. More than anything, I’m tired and sick of having to go pee. I suppose that people taunting me with food was not entirely welcome, but I can deal with that.

Yesterday, I was asked why I was doing this. I didn’t give that much of a response, because I didn’t really give it much thought. When I heard about it, I jumped right in without a reason except that I know that it was for a very good, worthwhile cause. I always go on and on about how thankful I should be for the luxuries that I have in this life, and how I should try and not take all of it for granted. Well, it looks like I’ve practiced what I preached, and I’m very happy to do so.

I guess I will end this with a challenge for you and for me: I will contribute an amount in excess of what I collect from others. So if I manage to somehow collect $1000, I’ll put at least that into this cause. I will, however, think that it would have been a pretty mean trick to pull on me, but I won’t be resentful 😛 You have up until the beginning of April to put in your pledge, so please let me know if you are interested in helping me out. Thank you, and God bless!

Sorry for the little pun in the subject title, but I suppose that I wanted to be a tad creative. 🙂

Anyhow, onto the meat of my latest thoughts… In a recent conversation with Laura and Kat, I said that I am extremely hard on myself, and they nodded as if they had known this for seemingly forever. It’s no secret that I do expect a lot out of myself, and it’s been like this for a long time. But it occurred to me that they thought of it as a bad thing. I don’t know what to say to that… While I have to admit that I often set myself up for disappointment, I can’t help but see the benefits of having exacting standards. How can I reach the stars if I’m barely looking up?

I just wanted to get this out there and maybe see what anyone else thinks… But I’m awfully tired now, so I think that I’m going to head to bed. Good night, and God bless!