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Posted on November 4th, 2005

I wrote briefly about this in my last post and, upon further reflection, I’m taken slightly aback; the ease with which I typed the words I think that I’ve been learning to trust in God more and more was shocking.

Do I really mean what I wrote?

Trusting someone is something I find really hard to do. As many of you know, I don’t open up to many people. And, quite frequently, I only open up to someone for short periods of time. Part of this is because I tend to be sceptical about people’s intentions. Furthermore, I fear that what I say may be misunderstood or misconstrued. So I tend to err heavily on the side of caution when revealing myself to others.

It wasn’t long ago that I was known as “Bottle Boy” or something like that. I think it was a name that Kat used to tease me because I kept everything inside of me. I did not speak openly about the things that troubled or upset me; I just wore unpleasant expressions on my face.

For good or ill, I have began to change that. Some people are privy to certain parts of my life. To some, I reveal things about my relationship with God. To some, I reveal things about my relationships with other people. But I haven’t made it all available to anyone yet.. I think I’m still too scared.

I think trusting someone – and I mean really trusting him/her – is one of the hardest things to do. I don’t like being vulnerable, and I don’t like admitting failures, and I don’t like being wrong. By trusting someone else, I leave myself open to all of those things (and then some).

But I only need to consider the notion of risk vs. return for a moment before I realize that I ought to trust people more. By exposing my weaknesses and my struggles, I think that I can be stretched in ways I would have never imagined.. that I can grow despite suffering what seems to be setbacks.

The greatest return, I think, is when I put real trust in God. It may seem absurd to trust a Being one cannot usually see or touch or physically interact with. But if I really believe in what I say I believe, then I needn’t worry about anything. Time and time again, God has provided for His people.. both in times of need and in times of plenty.

I think I need to learn what it means to fully surrender. I still have my guards up, even with God. And I think that is limiting the potential in my life. Ugh. There’s so much of a ways left to go.

Maybe I should end this here. My 1:18am rambling is becoming more non-sensical, I think. Good night.

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