Lately, I have been having trouble sleeping, but I have also began to remember some of my dreams; usually, I’m able to sleep a lot and can’t remember anything. So I’m not sure what’s happening here…

Anyways, I set my alarm for 9:00am this morning and I snoozed it until 9:27. Then I turned it off and just went back to bed. Sometime between then and 11:00am (when I eventually got up), I had a dream of me procrastinating. Double procrastination!!

I was hanging out with the folks on Friends, and I knew that I had work in the other room to do. In fact, I think that it was the same work that should be doing today… But anyways, I was avoiding my room like the plague and just sat around some couches talking to Ross, Rachel, and Chandler; Phoebe, Monica, and Joey were there, but didn’t say much. Eventually, I resolved to go and do work and, just like that, I woke up.

Weird.

It’s exam time and, as per usual, I’m going crazy; every exam period, I lose varying degrees of my sanity. It seems that I acquire acute ADD and behave strangely.

And today was no exception. So far, despite being up at around 9:30am, I have done about an hour’s worth of studying. This morning, however, was dedicated to finishing off The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe, which I started yesterday. 😛 The rest of the time was spent surfing the Internet, eating, watching TV, and doing anything except what I ought to have been doing. Oh, except for a phone interview that I did, which was what I ought to have done.

Even now, I’m here posting to my blog (evidently), listening to Messiah (to refamiliarize myself in time for when I see it live), and waiting for The Office to come on TV. Can you believe that I’m an honours student? Ha!

I really hope that I can pull it together soon… my first exam is on Thursday, and I have a bit of an unrelenting schedule until a week Friday. And I may spend the little break that I have (between Saturday and Tuesday) in Toronto, but that’s still up in the air.

Oh CS 330, why must you be so boring?

Why is it that everything seems to happen all at once? In particular, around exam time? Gosh, it’s really cramping my style.

Some of the conversations that I have been having lately have been very thought-provoking. They are things that I tend to discuss frequently – religion, relationships, and so on – but, recently, the talks have had a different flavour to them. I feel that they have been much more.. personal.

I have always been happy to listen to other people. For one reason or another, a lot of people find it easy to unload their thoughts on me, and I am more than willing to accommodate that. I enjoy the challenge of helping other people. Lately, however, it has been me unloading to others.

It seems that I’m starting to really break out of my shell; I’m getting used to opening up and to talking about myself more. It’s like I am trying to let these people know me… the real me. This may all seem very simple to you but, if you know anything about the way I used to be, this is a great challenge to me. I used to be very closed with my thoughts and unforthcoming with details. And, to a certain extent, I still am.

It’s funny that, just today, I had a conversation with someone (to whom I have been quite open) that I often let the expectations of being a guy – unemotional, confident, etc. – really get to me. I sometimes turn off my emotions and give off an air of confidence when little or none is there. Why? Because I think that other people wouldn’t know how to react to me if I didn’t.

So I put fences around the things that were not associated with being a guy. And, in doing so, I tried to be closer to a stereotype that I absolutely abhor. Talk about shooting yourself in the foot. While it could be unfair to say that I have been living a lie, it would be equally unfair to say that I have been living the truth, too. At least, not the whole truth.

I think that some of the people who have gotten to know me recently (say, within the last year or so), have been able to get a different picture of me because I have been more open to them. Whether this is for better or worse, I can’t really say. But for those who got to know me before, they see a slightly different representation of me. And I’m almost afraid to change the way I am to them because I like to be consistent. Furthermore, I wonder if they’d think of me the same.

That said, I also like to be fair.. both to myself and to the people around me. I should want people to accept me for who I am; if I reveal that to them and they think differently, at least they are responding to an authentic representation of me. So I really shouldn’t be afraid to do it.

After all, I think that honesty is the key to any relationship. It takes a lot of trust to be honest, but it is such a fundamental building block to a meaningful relationship (of any sort). So that’s my resolution for now: I will strive to be honest at all reasonable costs… honest to me, honest to my parents, honest to my friends, honest to God.