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Archive for April, 2006

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A New Hope

Posted on Sunday, April 23rd, 2006

As rumoured here, and here, they are back!

In other news, packing is a most heinous activity.

Change in Heart

Posted on Sunday, April 23rd, 2006

I’m not going to Community Fellowship today. I sat upstairs for some 5 minutes, deliberating over this, before I came to this decision. The only reason why I’m compelled to go is to see Starfield, admittedly a band that I enjoy hearing. And if that’s it, I’m not going for the right reason to go at all.

Part of the issue is with Community Fellowship itself. I’m finding that I have a similar problem there as I do at Elevation; for one reason or another, the messages aren’t really connecting with me, and I tend to go so that I can hang out with people. Just for comparison, there have been several weeks where I really didn’t feel like going to Elevation, but went for the sake of the “discussion time” afterwards when I would spend 30 to 60 minutes chatting with people.

And don’t get me wrong, it certainly is worthwhile to do this. There are some people who may say that this is a sufficient reason to go to church. But I cannot say that I am in that camp; the primary reason to go to church is to glorify God. If I have lost sight of that, I feel that I shouldn’t be going.

Of course, one could argue that I should be able to go and make it about God. It’s all about the attitude, right? Maybe so. But I think that I could worship God right here in the apartment, too.

So, instead of going to a church today, I’m going to plop myself on the futon and read. It could be the latest book that I’m reading, The Imitation of Christ, or it could be the good ol’ Bible. And maybe I’ll even sing some songs. Who knows.

As for going to Community Fellowship in the future, who knows about that, too. I’m going to be moving quite far away from there this week, so we’ll have to see.

Awkward and Elusive

Posted on Thursday, April 20th, 2006

I should probably be trying to sleep right now, but I really wanted to make a post before I went to bed. Well, technically speaking, I am in bed but not actively trying to sleep.

I was thinking about this past weekend, when I was at home celebrating Easter. In a recent entry, I commented about whether it was too late to start becoming closer with my family. What I neglected to say, though, is that things are better than they have been for many, many years.

For one, I am on good terms with both of my parents. I don’t think that there are any hostilities or tensions between us, as there were a few short years ago. I’m sure that part of it has to do with my growing up.

Relations with my brother, though infrequent, have been good. I’m getting along with him despite seeing him maybe 5 times a year. We still end up talking about the same sorta things (computers, work, cars), but at least there are no words laced with poison.

A somewhat recent complication in all of this is that my dad is dating someone. It has never been described as such by him, but it’s completely obvious that this is true. I barely know this woman, and yet she keeps on appearing at family events (like Christmas and Easter dinners). Not like there’s anything wrong with that, but it is a little weird. There’s an awkward silence and nervous tension surrounding the entire evening.

I’m not sure what to do with this. Perhaps this is an opportunity for me to get closer to my dad. Maybe I should make an effort to get to know this person. But then I think about why I should do it… why is the onus on me to initiate conversation? She’s the newcomer, so she should be introducing herself. It’s not like she’s family.

Yet. And that’s a very big “yet.” It would not surprise me at all to find out that a wedding is planned. I’ve known about her for a few years now, so I’m somewhat surprised that it hasn’t already happened. And if/when it does, I might have to voice my concerns (about how I don’t know her at all) to my dad. I guess that depends on the progress made on that front.

All of this has got me thinking about the certainty of love. It’s no doubt that, at one point, my parents were in love. Then, for one reason or another, that withered away until they went their separate ways for good. Did they rush into it? Did they try hard enough? Did they have the right motivation? Did they really have that degree of incompatibility?

Love is often so transient and fleeting. And because of its elusive nature, I think that we are attracted to it. If it were easy, would it be worthwhile to have found it? I hazard a “no” on this.

When I think of myself, I know that I’m hoping to find it. Soon, if possible. There’s even someone on my radar. But how do I know if it’s for real? Having experienced a breakdown of very serious proportions in my own family, I can’t help but be skeptical.

I suppose that there isn’t any real answer to this. Sure there’s all of the pat answers of trusting in God or of just knowing, but that doesn’t really cut it. It’s all fluff to me right now. I suppose that I’ll just have to risk it one day. The problem is that I hate taking risks. Especially big ones.

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