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Painted Rust

Posted on January 8th, 2007

It’s done: I signed my offer letter for Bloomberg, and filled out the majority of the paperwork that I need to send along with it. I think I’m going to mail this sucker tomorrow, although I may hold off to entertain another round of reconsiderations. But I am definitely leaning towards another term in New York.

Today, during a lunch meeting, Dom, the Embassy’s pastor (aside: check out the new site!), and I talked about how capitalism reigns supreme down there and how I had a tough time fighting the temptation of spending a lot of money. This had to do with what Brandon was talking about at Elevation – loving God. I remember saying, without hesitation, that I do not really love God. As much as I would like to, I couldn’t answer the question “Do you love God?” with an honest “yes.”

It was really hard to write that last sentence. But I’d only be kidding myself if I wrote the opposite. I told Dom that “if I can’t give up my finances, I can’t give up my heart.” And I have a very hard time giving money towards God-centred activities. This doesn’t have to do with how I was brought up; I am used to seeing my parents volunteering their time and giving money to the offerings on a very regular basis. So I dug a little deeper.

At the end of the day, I think that it has to do with control. As I’ve probably written at least once before, I am a bit of a control freak (over things that affect me) and it is something with which I struggle everyday. I think I am okay with giving up my time for God since I still have some opportunity to pull out if I don’t like how I am spending it. But, with money, I lose my influence over it once I give it away. So I don’t really know if it is being used in a way that I would like to see it used.

To a certain extent, I think that it’s a trust issue; sometimes I feel that I could be more able in determining what my money should be spent on, and sometimes I just don’t trust that the other party will use my money wisely. The uglier side is that I’d often rather buy something for myself instead.

So I am presently feeling a little deflated about myself. This is a far cry from anything that would resemble depression, but suffice it to say that I am not happy with the way things are. And there is more than what I just wrote about in this post. I feel that I am missing so much in life and I lose sight of other important areas when I stop to think about that emptiness.

A love for God – and perhaps love in general – is a big, gaping chasm. I finish off with some words (lyrics, really) of my dear friend Sarah Kivell:

I’m in love with me
And in the way I want to be seen
Everywhere I go
I wish it wasn’t so
I’m in love with me
And in the way my trust leans
On what everyone thinks
In reality I’m full of insecurities
I pretend all these are my personality
And I’m so scared of so many things
But what does this kind of love really bring?
Let go of this pride suicide
This self-indulgent love is killing me inside

I need a saviour to rescue me
An honest mirror to face my fears
A revelation to get through to me…

One Response to “Painted Rust”

  1. Rodney Says:

    Oh no, New York is rubbing off on you! You’re using American spellings. 🙁

    If you ever want to talk about God stuff, you know where to find me. I don’t think we’ve had a talk about God since The Forum last winter.

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