A couple of days ago, after the early service at Forefront, an older lady tapped my shoulder and said, “Justin, I have something for you.” (We had exchanged names earlier in the day but, before then, I had no idea who she was.) She handed me a folded piece of paper, bid me goodbye, and left.

I unfolded it and read this:

Justin you were fearfully and wonderfully made. You are loved unconditionally. Don’t give up on God. He won’t give up on you. He wants to love on you today in a special way. He is calling you by name. He knows your name. He knows everything about you and He still loves you. Be blessed this day.

A friend

This caused my brain to erupt. What makes her think that I was giving up on God? I’m not! Was it because I bent over in contemplation for a while? Did I not smile enough? Gee that was a nice thing of her to say. Does she write this kind of note to everyone every week? What was her name again? I wish I was better with names; she remembered mine.

It put me in a weird funk for a few hours; I was thinking hard about this and tried to unravel the mystery. (Not like the note was really that mysterious, but it baffled me.) Then I stopped. I let my brain off the hook and my heart took over, and that’s when I accepted the note for what it probably was: a random (albeit directed) act of kindness and encouragement.

Then my brain switched on again and I began to think about how many times I let my brain do all the doing while my heart just focused on pumping blood. I suppose that this is the way people are told to act; “think of the consequences”, “think before you ___”, and “think it through” are phrases used all the time. (This is probably to encourage people to act rationally which, I want to clarify, is usually a good thing.)

Are our hearts so untrustworthy? Part of the message on Sunday quoted Jeremiah, who wrote: “The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure.” Ouch. But then there are phrases like “follow your heart” that encourage people to act based on their feelings; throw caution to the wind and don’t worry about the consequences, as long as it feels right.

Clearly, one cannot do without the other. The heart can prompt people to act in a certain way but the brain should kick in and think it through. My dad always advised me to do “everything in moderation.” I guess I should let my heart out a little; I’ve been keeping my emotions on a short leash. I feel that that will be better. I think.

As recently as a few months ago, I was seriously considering a departure from New York; at the end of last year, I wrote that I wanted something significant to happen in 2011 and I was hoping that it would be a move of this sort. That feeling was persistent for months, although I was relatively passive about pursuing opportunities to realize it. Still, to ensure flexibility and to limit liabilities, I negotiated short-term lease renewals with my management company.

Understandably, those around me here in New York were not thrilled by this objective, but they were supportive nonetheless. I don’t think that any group has demonstrated this more than the lovely people that I have met at Forefront. This is a community that I discovered back in 2009, over a year after I moved down to New York permanently, and it has kept me grounded here since then.

I have made no secret (especially to them) that they are the principal reason why I am still here in New York. As much as work is a part of my life (not that much), what keeps me here is not my salary. I am convinced that I can earn a good living in any number of places, but finding a place like Forefront is very special and I do not take it for granted. Few words can express how grateful I am for the staff at Forefront who have cultivated such a fruitful environment.

So it should come as no surprise that I attribute most of my decision to stay in New York to them. Yep, that’s right, I’m sticking around after all! (In fact, I just called my management company last week to re-sign my lease for another year.) How could I give this amazing community up? Through Forefront, I have made incredible friends, developed musically, served diligently, and learned consistently. This continued to happen through these last few months, even as I had one foot reaching for the door.

I feel that this last point I mentioned deserves more reflection: even when I wasn’t committed to New York, I was still immensely committed to Forefront and I think that is extremely telling. It has been my rock here in the city and, now more than ever, I am willing to build on it.

I am tired of being neither here nor there; it was very unfair to me and to everyone around me while I was tentative with my life. I wasn’t living in New York as long as I thought that I wanted to leave; I didn’t invest as much as I could have, and I was content to just float on in life until something happened. Opportunities were neglected, and ambitions were deferred.

No longer. I’m here. I’m happy. I’m committed. And I’m eager to start living again.

PS To the non-Forefront folks in New York, please trust that your role in keeping me here does not go unnoticed nor unappreciated. Former roommates, friends from work, and other connections are all important!

PPS To those in Toronto and Waterloo, sorry. I know that I teased a return to the Great White North and, while the intent was certainly genuine when I stated it, I can’t have my cake and eat it too. I’m still not that far away from you guys!

PPPS To those who have influenced me from Forefront, seriously, thank you.

When people ask me, “What do you do?” or “How was your day?”, my responses often deal with my occupation. “I am a product developer at Bloomberg” or “It was a pretty busy day at work.” Why do I answer like that? My life is not dominated by my career, nor is it defined by it. I don’t spend the majority of my life with it (and, indeed, it would be a sad day if that were to ever change). Yet, my conversation suggests that it is a central component of my day-to-day.

It’s true that I have spend many years training to be well-qualified for a good job. It’s also true that I am able to live the way I do because of what I do at work. But that’s all that it should be: a means to an end. What I do between the hours of nine (or so) and six or so (rarely five) just enables me to do what I want to do for all of the other hours in the day.

I am truly envious of those who have jobs that have a tremendous, positive influence on the world. Those who have such professions can be completely passionate about their jobs and can find greater meaning in them. Teachers, doctors, firefighters, artists, scientists, and the like can improve the quality of the human condition, and that’s something worth doing. Those of us who just push bits and bytes on a computer and make rich people more wealthy have less of a compelling story.

This, of course, is not to suggest that I am not happy with where I work or that I am ungrateful. But I should learn to put it in its place; what I do with my family, friends, colleagues, and in the community around me is more important. So, the next time you catch me babbling too much about work, feel free to stop me 🙂