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Posted on May 25th, 2003Woah I’ve been experiencing a huge lack of updates on this thing… I nearly forgot that I had it until Kat reminded me this past weekend! My, oh my.
Well I’m not going to say too much about what I’ve been doing.. Actually, this is going to be a very short post, for once. Life has been.. interesting.. over the past week and a half since my last post. That whole getting-out-of-the-gutter-and-staying-out thing has had varying degrees of success, and I always worry that something will happen that will just send me reeling back into my old mentality. Please pray for me, that I will be able to find true happiness and satisfaction in this world; may divine providence work its way into my life and have a lasting presence. And pray for yourselves for all of the things that you hold closest to your hearts.
*sighs*
May 26th, 2003 at 1:19 am
This is the H Man: Ok Chan, you had to know that this was coming. (For all of you that don’t know me … I’m his old friend from SMC, and I have a strange habit of being particularly blunt, and sometimes borderline surly. So although this may sound brutally harsh, it is just my way of motivating others…bear with me…)
Three words: Get. Over. Yourself.
If there is one thing that SMC has taught me, and I know that it taught you, it is that we can never just sit and feel sorry for ourselves. You are not the person I remember at the grad ceremony last year, or the guy fighting through AP Calc with Andrew and JP; and Physics with me, or the guy who sparred with me repeatedly (despite the fact that I still have 4 inches and 60 lbs on you). Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and start fighting through it again. You’re stronger than this. Damnit, you’re stronger than me. Start showing it.
May 26th, 2003 at 1:44 am
Buddy. BUDDY. I think you read too much into this one; if you wanna see bad, go back a few months. THAT was bad. Anyhow, thanks for your comments! I was actually wondering when you’d say something on here heh. While everything in life is not all fine and dandy (like it ever is..), I’m not like gonna kill myself or anything. Sure sometimes my outlook is bleak, but there are times when everyone is like that. But there are plenty of things for which I am very grateful; plenty of things that I take for granted, too.
And who, if I may ask, do you think I was during the grad ceremony, or through AP calc, or in.. Physics.. *shudder*, or when sparring with someone almost twice my size?
I’m fully aware that I’ve changed a lot… seemingly.. hopefully.. for the better. But there are lots of me that has stayed the same: I still worry myself sick, I still lack confidence in myself, I still suck at Physics. So pointing out that I’ve changed doesn’t really help your noble cause.
Do rest assured, however, that one more thing hasn’t changed: I’m not going to back down from a challenge. Sometimes, this can seem almost insurmountable (woo money word) but it’ll make it all the more worthwhile when I kick its ass. There’s too much to lose if I give up on this.
Again, I appreciate the comments and concern. Oh and just because I’m asking God for true happiness and satisfaction doesn’t mean that I’m miserable and unsatisfied; it’s just not quite at really high levels. Most of the time, I am happy and reasonably satisfied with things. There’s just room for improvement ;p
JC
May 26th, 2003 at 1:59 am
Ok. Like I had predicted…my surliness was misunderstood. Didn’t see that one coming, did I?
First off…I was referring to this worry of being sent back into the downward spiral of sadness and misery and blah, blah, blah. NOT your request of the Almighty. You of all people should know that.
Next…it’s the fact that you are still worrying that bothers me…regardless of what you tell me, that means the “spiral” ain’t too far off. Believe me. I know. I’ve been there.
Next…the person I remember did not show low self-esteem, or worry themselves sick about anything but….certain “tennis matches” (if you catch my drift). Not like the crap I just started reading (b/c I just found the link to your website two days ago, remember?). You released your frustration and aggression in healthy doses like the rest of us. My recommendation is that you find a way to do that safely again…perhaps a weight room. There’s still time for you to become bigger than me : )
Lastly…and most importantly…when did you start sucking at PHYSICS?!?!?! I fought long and hard in that course…
May 26th, 2003 at 2:18 am
If you knew it was coming, then you should have clarified you big oaf!
About the worrying: how should I, of all people, have known that you were talking about that? And you should know that I worry excessively about everything. Tests. Exams. Computers blowing up in my face. And above all else, people (including myself). In regards to the downward spiral, I’m not going to lull myself into a pretense where the that possibility isn’t around the corner; I just have to be very mindful of it so as not to fall into it. An analogy can be made to my whole non-alcohol thing: I’m not going to fool myself into thinking that people (including myself) would tempt me. Especially at O’Grady’s with their ridiculous backwards pricing where pop is inordinately expensive. Instead, I have to acknowledge it and do what I can do overcome.
You’re right when you said that I didn’t show low self-esteem. You’re absolutely wrong when you said that I didn’t worry myself sick. Just some things I was more capable of containing than others; some were more immediate, whereas others have been bothering.. no, tormenting.. me for a long time so I knew how to supress them. Needless to say, they were always there. Always. Venting, however, is a thing of the past. There aren’t really any good means through which to do it, so I contain everything. (The weight room is… disgraceful here so I sorta stopped going to it.) At UW, people call me the bottle boy because I usually keep everything inside. Maybe I’m starting to lose my touch… I know that, recently at least, I’ve been more prone to divulging things that I’d usually keep very hidden away. In fact, I did so not too long ago… a few hours.
Finally, and not importantly, I’ve always sucked at Physics. It’s just that we had the luxury of a teacher who enjoyed giving out marks like candy. No such luck in university. University physics = lose. Stupid Electricity and Magnetism. Worst. Mark. Ever.
May 26th, 2003 at 2:30 am
I wonder if your UW friends know how much we used to argue…
Ok, champ. I’m not sure if your memory is as bad as mine (b/c I’ve inhaled a lot of aluminum dust in the past year, and it’s supposed to increase the chance of alzheimer’s), but I have always made you try and STOP WORRYING. Believe it or not (and I’m pretty sure you do), but some things are out of control. Like you said with the drinking thing at O’Gradys (which I know a thing or two about, considering…), you’ve just gotta learn to deal with things as they come. I’ve ALWAYS told you that. This isn’t new.
And when did venting become a bad thing? Venting is good, when it is done properly. If I didn’t vent properly, certain members of the FSAE Team may or may not have been in a wheelchair by now. The reason that they are not is because of safely releasing frustration / anger with things that are out of my control. I don’t believe discussing what could possibly go wrong is a good thing. That is all I’m trying to say. What other people do is generally out of your control. If a computer decides to explode in your face (your example, not mine…), that is probably out of your control as well…deal with these issues as they come, not as you anticipate them. Otherwise, one day you’ll snap (like I used to…).
And finally…my calc 2 devastation owns your piddly EM beating…
May 26th, 2003 at 2:57 am
I argue quite a bit at UW, with a lot of people. Well, perhaps argue is an inappropriate word for it. Instead, it’s more of an open forum; nobody was trying to really force his/her opinion on the other. Anyhow, I’ve had many of these with a multitude of people. One thing that I’ve really learned to enjoy is having a very thoughtful, meaningful conversation with people I enjoy.
Actually, my memory is quite sharp with some things. Unfortunately, school isn’t one of them. But issues related to people are. And I don’t recall you ever succeeding in making me stop worrying. I might have concealed it better, but, believe me, everything persisted. Bringing in O’Grady’s didn’t do you any good either; I was prepared for it. Do you think that I’d walk into a pub and not think that buying alcohol wouldn’t cross my mind? No, of course not. I was aware of it, and I prepared for it. It’d be foolish to just take things as they come; proactive is far better than reactive. The decision is more thought-out, so, in all likelihood, it’s more rational and sensible. So, to apply it to the original discussion, I’m preparing for that spiral, should I ever venture near it again. It’s that worry that helps me stay in line… kinda like the fear tactics that police use to regulate drivers.
I never said venting was bad. I just said that I’ve stopped. Unlike you, I don’t have anger management problems 🙂 I’m not the one who admits that he’ll have an ulcer (or two, or forty) by the time he’s 25 or something. A lot of things are in my control, and even the things that aren’t can be influenced by what I do or say. I’d also like to point out that this notion is precisely what you shouldn’t have as a mechanical engineer: if you decide to deal with everything “as it comes”, please remind me frequently to never purchase a product associated with you, ever!! I don’t want you coming to me saying “Yeah we’ll deal with your car roof collapsing on you when it happens.” Preventive measures = win.
You don’t know my mark so you can’t say that your calc2 was worse than my E&M. Let’s just say the fact that E&M was 1.5 the weight of a normal course really, really, really sucked.
May 26th, 2003 at 3:15 am
It’s a good thing that your memory is sharp. Because it seems your perception is starting to suck. Perhaps it’s b/c it’s 3 am on a monday morning.
Ok. Firstly, I do not have anger management problems. Despite the various ulcerous indications, I am in control of my frustrations. Hence, no one on the team has been injured…well, at least not by me…motorsports are dangerous, and occasional welding accidents do occur you know…
Next…Obviously I haven’t made you stop worrying…why would we be having this “discussion” if I did?
Next…I did not say that we should deal with EVERYTHING as it comes. I said deal with WHAT YOU CANNOT CONTROL as it comes. That is the stuff most people worry about. Not the bar that you walked into while trying not to drink (not that I’m knocking the action, I do it all the time, I’m simply knocking your argument). Obviously, if you walk into a bar, you know you will be faced with the “temptation” to drink…not that it’s much of a temptation. If you were walking down the street, and ran into someone trying to give you beer (hypothetical example, I know it sounds stupid), that would be different. THAT is what you worry about when it presents itself. And I don’t believe the “scare tactics” the police is a very good analogy…why would you want to “scare” yourself out of sadness? “Out of the frying pan and into the fire”? You’re scaring yourself out of something scary…kinda weird. I think you should use your “preventitive methods” to create the happiness you seek in yourself instead of scaring yourself out of the opposite…to use self-improvement to combat self-detriment. Improve your self-confidence, and your ability to stay away from this spiral of unhappiness will come naturally. Change something about yourself, and you will change many other things. “Hope lies in the smoldering rubble of empires” – Zack de la Rocha.
Anyways…perhaps we all deal with things in different ways. I am simply trying to present the viability of an alternative.
Oh, and about calc 2, it wasn’t so much the mark, as what I went into an exam I…*ahem*…THOUGHT I did well on, and what I came out with…
-H
May 26th, 2003 at 3:33 am
Sigh. Just do us both a favour and give up! I want to sleep, too! 🙁
You don’t have anger management problems? Dude that’s like saying that George Dubya is an intelligent President. NO! You so do not contain anger. While you’re not violent about it (thankfully), I’ve seen it get to you often enough.
One reason that we could be having it is because I’m not going to withdraw until I win (or fall asleep at the keyboard. Whichever comes first). But it’s not the only one… I still worry. I can’t deny it.
I should be in control of my own thoughts and emotions. Plain and simple. The minute I let my emotions run free and take heed of the choices that I make, the minute I start doing very stupid things. I’ve done it more often than I’d like, and I always feel awful afterwards. That being said, I should have complete control of whether or not I allow myself to fall into that “spiral” that we both like to mention. Granted, there are things that will occur that will have an effect on how happy or sad I feel, and I hope that the ones that make me sad are few and far between. Should they happen, and happen they will, I should have the resilience to deal with it and not send me into a tumble. Until I reach that level of confidence — until I control my emotions and not let them control me — I’ll worry about it. I’m not trying to scare myself to avoid it. As I’ve mentioned before, it’s just being mindful of it. Like the adage goes: “Keep your friends close, but your enemies closer.” About improving self-confidence, yeah it sounds great and all, but it’s one of the many things that are easier said than done. If I could just will it and have it be done, then heck there’d be no problems. But you know as well as I do that life is far more complicated than that. It’s struggle for me; it always has.
Seeing how you and I are different people, it’s not hard to fathom that we don’t view this in exactly the same perspective. I’m sure this alternative of yours is quite credible and holds promise for others.. but I don’t think it’ll do much for me. I’m far too stubborn to change so quickly.
And let’s not talk about comparing final exams. I failed my E&M to get the mark that I did. 😛
May 26th, 2003 at 3:39 am
My calc 2 exam came pretty damn close to a fail, trust me. But enough of that.
I shall now prove my point, and deal with something that I cannot control (specifically, you affecting my sleep pattern, and you not liking my way of dealing with things) in the way that I suggested.
About the scare tactics thing: Good luck with that. I hope it works for you. (No sarcasm here, I’m being serious). If you don’t like my way of dealing with things, that’s fine. But if it works, it works. Personally, I think its &&*%*. But, that’s out of my control, and I won’t worry about it.
And also, I DO NOT HAVE ANGER MANAGEMENT PROBLEMS. I have anger. I manage it. Hence, you are still breathing. Capiche?
May 26th, 2003 at 3:50 am
You don’t scare me. So what if you’ve got like 60 pounds and several inches on me.. I’ll take you!
And you can definitely control my affecting your sleeping pattern. A simple clicking of an X in your Internet Explorer will do it. 🙂
Again, it’s not really a scare tactic. Perhaps I shouldn’t have brought up that analogy. Ultimately, just keeping it in my subconscious (or conscious) keeps me real. No, it’s not the healthiest of solutions, but it seems to work. For now. Just like bottling most things up.
I’m glad that I had this lengthy discussion; it’s made me think, and has given me more things to consider. (Yeah.. exactly what I need) Anyhow, here’s your reply. I made it quick so you’d stop whining about wanting to go to bed haha
May 26th, 2003 at 3:53 am
Hey Chan, your steel-toe boots / shoes don’t scare me anymore!!!
Thinking = win, as you would say. So this “discussion” was helpful, somehow.
And I don’t use IE, I use Opera. MUCH better.
Ok…enough wasting everyone’s time…I’m going to sleep…It’s almost 4 am. Don’t you have to work tomorrow…err….today?
Later all….
-H
May 26th, 2003 at 3:57 am
What steel-toe boots? 🙁 Those were a thing of the past… Oh how I’ve missed those puppies… But I’ll still own you without them. I’m huge. Ha.
IE. Opera. Nutscrape. Same difference; there’s still that X 🙂
I don’t think that this time was wasted, anyhow. So long as something meaningful came out of it, then it was worthwhile, at least in my mind.
And yes, I have to work. *sigh*
June 7th, 2003 at 1:59 am
You’re not the first person to call me stubborn. 🙂 I am and I know it.
June 7th, 2003 at 2:00 am
Dammit Paul (and Rohn) use your real names you turds!
June 7th, 2003 at 12:25 pm
You want worst. mark. ever? (without failing that is…) Try a 50! Right on the dot! So there!!!
TGIF
June 7th, 2003 at 12:41 pm
WOW. Look waht happens when two of the most STUBBORN PEOPLE I’ve ever knowm get into a “discussion”! Well, good work boys! You accomplished nothing but thinking. And my making some smart remark about your conversation will also accomplish nothing because, hey, you’re both VERY stubborn!!!! So. That’s my say. Not that you care, but if you want my opinion on anything you guys just argued about for a VERY long time, feel free to ICQ me. It’s quicker, and it won’t keep you up ’till 4am.
TGIF
June 8th, 2003 at 7:01 am
Way to spell! 🙂
Hey it’s you guys extending the life of this one 😛
June 8th, 2003 at 12:01 pm
Longset. String. Ever. (at least in THIS journal)
TGI… er… Paul. Paul Friday.
(happy?!)
June 11th, 2003 at 10:54 am
Now it was you extending the string. Now it’s me. And as for my spelling: I’m an engineer: I’m working on it! Ha ha. I used to win spelling contests in gradeschool….. Now that I’m beyond ‘cat’ everything is so complicated!! lol
Paul
June 12th, 2003 at 2:35 am
Please let this thread die and rot in its grave. Thank you. 🙁