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Posted on June 12th, 2003

It should come as little surprise to find out that I’m not having the time of my life right now. My lack of enthusiasm for posting here, the distinct absence of cheer in the posts that I do make, and frequent prayer requests are telltale signs that I’m embroiled in many heavy issues.

Simply put, there are lots of holes in my life that have appeared in the past couple of months. Big, gaping holes. I am missing very significant pieces that once made up a happy, complete person. To add insult to injury, it seems, I know precisely what caused this, and I am powerless to stop it. What, you may ask, could possibly lead to such a catastrophic breakdown? Well, just being where I am is enough to do it. Ever since I left Waterloo, things have not been the same: I am distant from the positive influences that shaped my life and, without them, I lost much of what I gained.

Things are quite lonely in Toronto. Since my dad moved to this middle of nowhere, I’ve had few places to go and even fewer people to see. Without a car, I am condemned to spend the majority of my free time at home, a place I absolutely hate. When I’m not at home, I’m probably working, another place that I absolutely hate. I am not happy where I am. Granted, I have to be fair to my friends in Toronto, those to whom I talk on a regular basis, at least. But because of the aforementioned problems, I hardly ever see them.

I must say that my existence of late has been rather miserable: my life consists of doing things that I hate. But don’t get me wrong; it’s not like I’m letting these things happen without a fight. I have fought really hard to hold onto the missing pieces of my life, but the forces were too strong. Even now, I’m trying to get at least one piece back. A few days ago, I went to the bookstore and got a few books that will hopefully inspire me. I read a bit into two of them each day. So far, however, I don’t notice much of a change. While I was at the bookstore, I noticed a bookmark with a nice inscription: “All the darkness in the world cannot extinguish the light of a single candle.” St. Francis of Assisi said that. It came conveniently after Kat told me that other quote about the valley of the shadow. I can’t help but feel, however, that there is no candle right now. I feel as though I am blinded by darkness. While I do have hope for better times, things continue to be bleak.

The summer is just trudging along now. Once filled with hopes of being a fantastic summer, I feel that this has been a bit of a disappointment. Yes, there have been times where I did have a lot of fun, but I would be foolish to deny the pain of being alone here. I cannot see what life has in store for me, so I don’t know whether to have my arms open or to brace for another hit. So, I end this post with another prayer request; I need all the help I can get in these difficult times.

Serenity now.

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