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Another late night

Posted on March 30th, 2004

This is far beyond the time at which I would like to go to bed… and yet I am still up, by my own will. I know that I will be regretting this when I wake up tomorrow, and likely throughout the day at work. But I have no will power to head to bed. While it is quite silent, it is so very noisy in my head..

I just finished A New Kind of Christian tonight, a lovely book by Brian McLaren. I wholeheartedly suggest it, but do have some restraint if you do read it; to absorb everything blindly could be quite dangerous, as I have learned. It takes a lot of thought and a lot of discussion to sort out everything in the book.

There’s something other than the whole spiritual side of things that I got from the book: the two main characters had a very deep, albeit short, friendship, and I realized that I had nothing of the sort in my own life.. I don’t think that there is anyone to whom I feel completely and utterly comfortable divulging my most personal thoughts.. I think I bring this upon myself because, frankly, I don’t think that I trust anyone enough, although I really wish that I did. It’s not even a matter of me not knowing the right people; I love my friends, and I have the utmost respect for them. Maybe it’s just a matter of my own insecurity and self-consciousness that I keep so many things contained… I don’t know.

I certainly feel that I have began to open up a little, but not nearly to the extent that I wish I could.. it’s not an easy thing to change a characteristic with which you’ve grown up, and on which you have depended for years. My desire to be self-reliant and independent could be doing me more harm than good. While I do take things up with God, I guess I’m looking to hear an “it’s ok, Justin” or a “don’t worry about it” instead of hoping that I get that from Him. I don’t know.. maybe this is all in my head and I’m too tired to know what’s going on in my head. Or maybe I’m really seeing the truth of the matter when I’m worn thin. After all, the Romans always did say in vinum, veritas.

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