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Time Out

Posted on October 23rd, 2006

I was reading up on my friends’ blogs and there seemed to have been a great deal of chatter about relationships: people getting married, people having anniversaries, why so-and-so won’t love someone, being single, and so on. And then I saw Avenue Q on Saturday, which has its fair share of plot dedicated to this subject. Granted, a lot of it was done for humour’s sake — and often shockingly so, I might add — but it was there.

Then I got into one of those moods where I would ponder and reflect on my present situation. It has, in fact, been the same situation for quite some time now. And since I haven’t been talking about one particular girl more often than any other (as far as I know), I think it’s pretty self-evident what that situation is.

On one hand, I am perfectly fine with it. After all, I have more time for myself to do what I please. Furthermore, I’m not desperate to find a girl, so I’m not entirely dissatisfied at not having found one. (Aside: that was a completely awkward sentence.) Lastly, I don’t need a girl to be happy. On the other hand, however, I do wish that there was a girl in my life. Given the choice of being single or being in a meaningful relationship, I know few people that would choose the latter. It’s like choosing a slice of bread over steak or ribs or lasagna or whatever it is that you really like to eat. Sure, there are times when just a slice of bread is good enough but, in general, I think we all like to be a little better off than that.

Anyway, back to the hands. This other hand has a few more things. For instance, if I were to find a girl with the right amount of that special stuff, chances are that I’d be more than happy to “give up” some of my time to be with her. And chances are that I’d be glad to make compromises and let go of my control to make someone else happy. Chances are.
I then began to give some thought about why I’m single. Currently, it is a choice that I have made. Could you imagine what havoc would rain down on my life if I found a New Yorker whose foot fits the shoe? I guess it could happen, but I’d be pretty hard-pressed to make that big step.

But before, it wasn’t really a choice. There were girls in whom I was interested, and some of them were interested in me, too. Sometimes, I was just too afraid to take the risk of moving past the friendship. It is a very difficult path to navigate and it’s usually a one-way road. And, from what I have witnessed, that road often doesn’t lead to that meaningful relationship that I was talking about earlier. Other times, I do take the risk and, well, things clearly haven’t worked out as I had hoped.

The last couple of times that I have taken the risk have been very educational experiences at the least; I learned a great deal about myself. When there is a prospect of a relationship, something very unfortunate usually happens: I lose control of my brain. Either I don’t think things through, or I over-think things… both are bad. Because of this, I would oversimplify the way things are, or believe that things are much more than what they are. More often than not, though, it’d be the latter since I do think quite a bit.

Because of this, I have made terrible judgement calls, turned mountains out of molehills, and generally just made a complete fool out of myself. I’d laugh at this unfortunate reality except for that fact that I’m sure that I’ve hurt other people because of it. I can think of so many examples where I have said and done some really stupid things, and it really pains me to know that I am capable of such… I dunno what to call it. Selfishness? Obstinacy? Jealousy? Insecurity? More than likely, it’s some ugly manifestation of all of these and more.

I doubt that very many of these people are still reading my blog but if they somehow stumble upon this, I hope that they can find it in their hearts to forgive me. I am so remorseful for being so blind, so inconsiderate, and so stupid. There is an ugly side of me that rears its head when the best side of me should be showing up, and I suppose that I have some work to do about that.

With all of that in mind, perhaps it is for the best that I have had this period of singleness. I have become conscious of some issues with which I need to deal and, in doing so, I have avoided causing anyone undue grief. This is my time out, of sorts. I’m slowly learning my lessons and, hopefully, I’ll behave after having gone to the corner to think about what I have done.

4 Responses to “Time Out”

  1. jess Says:

    Hey Justin! It’s great to see you still have a blog up and running. I know we didn’t chat much in res but I check out your blog now and then. It’s always full of some meaningful reflection and you write it out in words so beautifully. I hope all is well with you. Maybe we can meet up and catch up one day.

  2. justin s Says:

    hey justin, it’s a good thing you advertise your site in your msn name, else I would never remember how to get here. getting here – that happens about once every few months, but whenever I do come around to read it’s usually a very enjoyable visit – you’re a great writer, and it’s nice to read what you’ve got to say, what you’ve been thinking, feeling, and doing.

    anyways, I want to say that I’m going through a similar thing as you are. I’ve unconvered some shadowy parts of myself that I know need dealin’ with. your sentiment that you’re dealing with your own issues ON your own, I think, is very wise, and I completely understand what you’re going through. it’s a lot like not wanting to drag somebody else into a mudpuddle, if it can actually be avoided.

    I know you’re not lost, you’re a smart guy, but I do want to say that your place in time, your circumstances, and your current experience is shared by many other people – it’s a set of ordeals that many people go through – but only certain people end up with the courage to resolve them ๐Ÿ˜‰

    company lunch, gotta run

  3. Smiley Dan Says:

    I know this comment disregards the more important bulk of your post, but I just have to say I am so jealous of you for seeing Avenue Q. I have the soundtrack and listen to it… a lot.

  4. Rodney Says:

    For me, I find it hard to go against the perceived notion that we need to have a girlfriend in our lives. Sometimes, it can feel like we’re in the minority (even when that’s not the case), but I know that it is better to wait than to rush into something, and I think that a lot of people respect that.

    One thing that I’ve realised in the past few months is this: our relationship with God needs to be in good shape before we can move into a healthy relationship with a girl. If we want to love others, we need to love God first.

    I’m glad to see you updating again. ๐Ÿ™‚

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