I was reading up on my friends’ blogs and there seemed to have been a great deal of chatter about relationships: people getting married, people having anniversaries, why so-and-so won’t love someone, being single, and so on. And then I saw Avenue Q on Saturday, which has its fair share of plot dedicated to this subject. Granted, a lot of it was done for humour’s sake — and often shockingly so, I might add — but it was there.

Then I got into one of those moods where I would ponder and reflect on my present situation. It has, in fact, been the same situation for quite some time now. And since I haven’t been talking about one particular girl more often than any other (as far as I know), I think it’s pretty self-evident what that situation is.

On one hand, I am perfectly fine with it. After all, I have more time for myself to do what I please. Furthermore, I’m not desperate to find a girl, so I’m not entirely dissatisfied at not having found one. (Aside: that was a completely awkward sentence.) Lastly, I don’t need a girl to be happy. On the other hand, however, I do wish that there was a girl in my life. Given the choice of being single or being in a meaningful relationship, I know few people that would choose the latter. It’s like choosing a slice of bread over steak or ribs or lasagna or whatever it is that you really like to eat. Sure, there are times when just a slice of bread is good enough but, in general, I think we all like to be a little better off than that.

Anyway, back to the hands. This other hand has a few more things. For instance, if I were to find a girl with the right amount of that special stuff, chances are that I’d be more than happy to “give up” some of my time to be with her. And chances are that I’d be glad to make compromises and let go of my control to make someone else happy. Chances are.
I then began to give some thought about why I’m single. Currently, it is a choice that I have made. Could you imagine what havoc would rain down on my life if I found a New Yorker whose foot fits the shoe? I guess it could happen, but I’d be pretty hard-pressed to make that big step.

But before, it wasn’t really a choice. There were girls in whom I was interested, and some of them were interested in me, too. Sometimes, I was just too afraid to take the risk of moving past the friendship. It is a very difficult path to navigate and it’s usually a one-way road. And, from what I have witnessed, that road often doesn’t lead to that meaningful relationship that I was talking about earlier. Other times, I do take the risk and, well, things clearly haven’t worked out as I had hoped.

The last couple of times that I have taken the risk have been very educational experiences at the least; I learned a great deal about myself. When there is a prospect of a relationship, something very unfortunate usually happens: I lose control of my brain. Either I don’t think things through, or I over-think things… both are bad. Because of this, I would oversimplify the way things are, or believe that things are much more than what they are. More often than not, though, it’d be the latter since I do think quite a bit.

Because of this, I have made terrible judgement calls, turned mountains out of molehills, and generally just made a complete fool out of myself. I’d laugh at this unfortunate reality except for that fact that I’m sure that I’ve hurt other people because of it. I can think of so many examples where I have said and done some really stupid things, and it really pains me to know that I am capable of such… I dunno what to call it. Selfishness? Obstinacy? Jealousy? Insecurity? More than likely, it’s some ugly manifestation of all of these and more.

I doubt that very many of these people are still reading my blog but if they somehow stumble upon this, I hope that they can find it in their hearts to forgive me. I am so remorseful for being so blind, so inconsiderate, and so stupid. There is an ugly side of me that rears its head when the best side of me should be showing up, and I suppose that I have some work to do about that.

With all of that in mind, perhaps it is for the best that I have had this period of singleness. I have become conscious of some issues with which I need to deal and, in doing so, I have avoided causing anyone undue grief. This is my time out, of sorts. I’m slowly learning my lessons and, hopefully, I’ll behave after having gone to the corner to think about what I have done.

First off, I need to sincerely apologize for not making posts recently; I know that I have been very bad and I’ve kept a lot of people in the dark. There have been, however, many updates to the New York part of my site, so I have been hoping that those would have kept you interested and informed. It doesn’t help that this post will be hidden to the world until the website transfer is complete…
And now that that’s over, I can carry on with the rest of the post. As you can see, there is a brand spanking new layout for my site. It took me a lot longer to tune than I had anticipated, but that’s because I spent extra effort to make sure that it worked well in Internet Explorer. I also moved away from my own solution and decided to use WordPress instead, so converting all of the posts and comments took some time. But at the end of the day, there’s a new look to liberdei.com and I hope you like it. (Keep in mind that I think that it lacks artistic flare, so I will be working on making it stand out a little more. I am also aware of some people who don’t like scrollbars, but I had to use those to ensure that the site looked consistent regardless of the content… I’m sorry if my tastes and priorities didn’t match up with your style!)

Anyways, things here in New York are the same as usual. Last weekend, I met a lot of relatives that are from around here (New Jersey, actually), so I look forward to getting connected with them a little better. It’s somewhat tragic that it took 23 years of my life to finally meet them but, as the adage goes, it’s better late than never!

I’ve also been meeting more people around here… from new co-workers to people from church to other co-ops in town, I’ve been slowly expanding my social network and things are looking good. I must admit that it’s tough to commit to anything here since I know that I will be off in a mere two months, but I need to convince myself to try or else I’ll be a big loner! Nevertheless, my thoughts often flutter back to those of you back in Canada… you have no idea how much I wish that you could be here to take in the city with me!! I miss you all so much.

Thanks to those of you who have written or messaged me. It’s heart-warming to know that I haven’t been forgotten 🙂