Control Freak
Posted on August 9th, 2009Copeland’s “Control Freak” starts out as follows:
You lose control when you hold too tight
But turn your head long enough to let it bite
‘Cause faith let me staring at the ceiling through the night
It’s freaking me out
Many people who know me may not know that I am a person who thrives on having control. This is not the same kind of control that is exerted over other people (as I try to fully respect the opinions and freedoms of others), but more the control that I can exert over my own life. I am generally quite risk-averse, so I usually only proceed if I have a fairly high degree of confidence in the outcome.
Sometimes, this works to my advantage. The course that I have plotted is quite predictable and is tolerant to perturbations here and there. So when the proverbial poop hits the fan, I feel that I am able to recover well since I have contingencies planned out. (Read: I am all about having a plan.) All things considered, this cautious and conservative path has led me to a pretty good place.
Sometimes, however, this desire for control is a hindrance. The realm of possibilities is constrained — nay, suffocated — by my Type A behaviour. I can’t help but feel that life would be so much more interesting if I threw caution to the wind and took the risks that I all too often rule out in my head. After all, maybe one of those risks would pay off and the ensuing happiness would make it worth all the while (including past failures).
While I debate whether or not this is something that I could bring myself to do, I am also trying to uncover why I have this thirst for being so calculated. At first, it seems that, in the face of potential scrutiny from my family, friends, peers, and strangers around me, I don’t want to fail in public; I have been wired to think that I am only valuable if I am successful and if other people knew it. This vanity can get me places, but it is utterly foolish of me to pretend that I am without failures or flaws. (And I don’t think that.)
How will I am to admit that, however, is another question altogether. (And I realize that I just did kind of admit it, albeit without specific examples other than this one. Oh, irony.) The fact is that I am very much a flawed man. Like most, if not all, people, I have my share of baggage and dirty laundry. But when I present myself to people, I obviously try to emphasize the impressive and inspiring qualities that I think that I have.
The result of all of this, then, is that I maintain control over who gets to see what of me, but I have a lot of people around me who don’t know me very deeply. I appreciate that, for some, this is sufficient. But for those who are close to me, or for those who want to be close to me, or for those with whom I would like to be close, this is not very fair. My pride gets in the way of being me, but I am somehow holding onto it.
Very rarely have I been truly vulnerable to anyone. When I am, they can usually tell because I get very nervous and my voice gets all shaky. It is surprisingly uncomfortable for me to open up. But the reality is that, given the choice, I would rather have family and friends who know me for who I am, good and bad, than family and friends who know me for who I show them I am. And I think that I’d rather have fewer people who like me but like me for me than more people who like the me that I usually present.
The road to getting there isn’t easy. Combined with my personal insecurities and the aforementioned pride, there are all sorts of preconceived notions of who I am held by people who know me. I am pretty shy and breaking through my own walls will be hard enough. But I have to do it, somehow. I think that the small group that I have (that is about to end tomorrow.. cry!) is a good place to start since they haven’t had a lot of time to get used to me, and there are a few people there to whom I feel I can open up. Of course, my older friends will have the advantage of already having earned a lot of trust. But we’ll see; for now, these are just words on a blog that mean only a little bit compared to the words that I should be saying into someone else’s ears.
