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Posted on March 8th, 2003

I don’t know why I’m writing this here. I don’t know why I’m writing this at all. Maybe to mark the day. Maybe I want the world to think “Oh Justin.. that poor, misguided soul…” I really don’t know.

It finally happened. I can’t believe it.. I’m still shocked. No, my bottle containing the deepest mysteries of my life did not shatter. No, all that is still with me. But I did lose a part of me not too long ago. A part of me that I depended on for years. A part of me that I thought would stand the test of time. A part of me that really made me into the person I am today, for better or for worse. A part of me went away today… lost… when I finally broke down.

Not too long ago, I considered what I should do. I decided to do three things: I wandered the college. I wandered until I happened upon that old crappy piano downstairs. And I played. I played Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness. A beautiful piece, it is. But it sounded off and jangly on that forsaken instrument. So I retreated to the chapel, where I decided to pray. Oh how I implored Him. I asked Him for answers, for reasons. I petitioned Him for help, for support, for hope. But no answers came to me. No reasons. Nor did help, support, or hope appear. Instead, I was met with silence… an emptiness comparable to the deepest recesses of my heart. I waited, and waited. Alas, nothing. Then, with a sudden flood of emotion, I lied there at the front of the chapel.. fists clenched, heart pounding, and sobbing. It was uncontrollable. With my voice cracking, I murmured questions to Him: why this, why that. The tears burned as they ran down the side of my face. Do I feel any better after the whole ordeal? Do I feel as though a giant weight has been lifted off my shoulders? Absolutely not. I’d be a fool to think weeping will bring about release. Instead, I feel ashamed; my stability, which has held firm for years, broke. It’s like losing a leg that I’ve used all my life.

It took time to collect myself, to prepare myself to leave the sanctuary I made inside the chapel. I sat there for long minutes, unsure as to how many passed while I contemplated what had just happened. Again, I begged God for something… anything. But the only thing that came to me then was the realization of my stuffy nose.

Oh how a person’s feelings can change in a matter of days… I was so happy about four posts down… I guess I could have seen it coming. The week was rough, as has been the last month or so. A lot of things haven’t been quite the same as before, and all I needed was a trigger. I thought I was in the clear when I started to read those books. But it took a mere matter of hours to bring me back down… possibly lower. I don’t know where I stand now, if at all. Maybe I’ll take refuge inside a shell like a turtle does when it feels threatened. But I suspect that I will be sullen for a little while longer. It was folly for me to think that books would have some sort of insta-heal effect on me. But now, I really am lost. The —- hit the proverbial fan (I’ll have the decency to censor, at least). Where do I go from here? To whom can I turn, other than God?

Ugh, I know I’m just asking for trouble. Excuse me, but I have a headache now.

One Response to “Broken”

  1. Sarah Says:

    justin dont feel for one second that you should hide away. your feelings are yours and you shouldnt feel ashamed of that. breaking down isnt a sign of weakness. you are human and everyone goes through these rough times. just look at me this past month for example. we cant be expected to be happy all the time. God sees your heart and knows when you are sad. even though it might not feel like it he is there. He loves you. i think that you should put more of you hope in Him. Dont look to books and stuff like that as your comfort. they are empty and hold nothing real for your future. God is full of goodness and wants to fill you with thtat too if you let him. Seek him out.

    it sounds like that is what you were doing yesterday. praying is a good thing. you will not find answers right away. (i am just like you though…i want the answers right now…i cant wait.) but over time they will come. God is not just going to leave us high and dry. he loves us. he made us. its times like these that hes teaching us. most of the time in ways that we dont understand.

    its a struggle justin. i’m in it too. life is not easy. keep going though.


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