So it’s nearly 3am and I’m still up for no good reason. I spent the first little bit of the day talking with Kat, which was nice since it was the first time I talked with her in quite some time. As that ended, I decided that I should finish the book I started yesterday: The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho. It was a fantastic read, and I found myself done at around 1:40 or so. The one thing that really stood out for me in the novel was the importance of fulfilling your dreams, while paying attention to the signs that God has laid out before you. Listening to our hearts, hearing those around us, and heeding the signals in nature – all of which are “omens” – help guide us to our goal. The moment we discover that our lives is on the path of the realization of our dreams, we are instilled with new hope, satisfaction, and happiness.

Naturally, I began to wonder what my dream is. Immediately, I was able to throw out being a Software Engineer, because that’s not the most wonderful thing that could happen to me. Nor is it to become rich and famous; those people are generally unhappy and are victims of far mor criticism than I’d like. In the book (which alludes to a verse in the Bible), Coelho writes that wherever your heart is, there is your treasure also. I think that was from Matthew, but I could be mistaken. Unfortunately, I don’t know where my heart is, or what it long for. Love was a major theme in the novel, and I’m inclined to agree that my heart longs for love, too. And there is no better source of love than God. So perhaps He is my dream. Or at least, He should be; it doesn’t feel like it right now. It seems as though I am still bound to this world and I still want physical things.

It’s no coincidence that I have had ashes on my head for several hours, either (as it was Ash Wednesday, and, as a good Catholic, I went to receive ashes). This Lenten season was meant for Catholics to prepare for Easter, to forsake sin, and to allow God back into our lives so that He can work in and through us. It will not be easy, but I will try and accomplish this.

All of this really came to me after I finished the book. I went upstairs, and without reason, I put on my jacket and went for a walk. For about half an hour, I walked slowly around various spots around campus. I stopped at a bridge for about ten minutes, listening to the cold water flow beneath my feet. There, I thought about a multitude of things, some good and some bad. I talked with God and asked Him for His help and guidance. I admitted to Him, and to myself, that I was lost and I needed a sign to point me in the direction I should follow. And I continue to seek that sign. I also realized that things have recently changed in my life, and I don’t like it. I have been apathetic about school, I have been unmotivated to do much of anything, and, most importantly, I have become distant to those who are so important to me. I think these individuals know who they are, and if you’re happening to read this, I’m sorry. It isn’t much, but I have something for you, so please ask me about it the next time you see me.

Oh, I looked up that Bible verse: “For your heart will always be where your riches are.” Matthew 6:21. So there you have it. Anyhow, it’s much later than I’d like it to be, so I shall retire to bed now. Please enjoy the rest of the week. God bless.

who am I
to need you when I’m down
and where are you
when I need you around

your life is not your own
and all I ask you is for another chance
another way around you
to live by circumstance

once again

who am I to need you now
to ask you why, to tell you no
to deserve your love and sympathy
you were never meant to belong to me

and you may go
but I know you won’t leave
too many years
built into memories
your life is not your own

who am I to need you now
to ask you why, to tell you no
to deserve your love and sympathy
you were never meant to belong to me

who am I to you?
along the way I lost my faith

and as you were you’ll be again
to mold like clay, to break like dirt
to tear me up in your sympathy
you were never meant to belong to me

who am I?

-“Crestfallen”

Well let’s see now. It’s around 2am. I’ve been up for a long time. Class was boring. Working on a Digital Circuit lab was boring. Tea time was ok — hot chocolate time, actually. The cookies were good. I wasted time until dinner, then ate very little. Did the rest of the CS assignment after dinner. Did some laundry, too. Gotta have those clean clothes. Went to the Embassy alone (as Kat and Katie were kind enough to leave much earlier and forgot to tell me this). The service was alright… moral of the story is to respect the Earth as you would yourself. I missed the All-College Photo cuz the service went a little later than expected, but I’m not going to lose any sleep over it. I kind moped around for a little while. I tried to read CS in vain. Aaron came by to talk to me, commenting that I looked as though I had a heavy load. I agreed. We chatted for a while about life and such, and, quite randomly, left for Sobey’s at midnight in search of mangoes. But the mangoes they had there were quite… awful, to say the least. I cannot stress how important it is to get fruit that is in season. He ended up buying a single peach, a single kumquat (which is basically an orange with the shape and size of a grape), and a kiwi (which he subsequently gave to me.. maybe to try and cheer me up or something..?). I was a little more ambitious and got more than just fruit. So we return half an hour later, and while I do my Calc assignment, he brings down the kumquat, examines it, and peels it. Apparently, the juice is good, and it tastes orangey-lemony. That’s one expensive orange-lemon thing. Anyhow, so here I am, having done all the work I set out to do for the day, not tired, and not wanting to do much of anything. Maybe I’ll go to the chapel and reflect/contemplate/play piano/pray. Maybe I’ll just continue to sit here and waste away. Maybe I’ll end this post.