Well, what to say… I think that it’s become apparent that I’ve reached a lull; posts have been few and far between. What’s worse, though, is that all I seem to do on here is whine and complain. Since there is nothing constructive to be gained from doing that, I have decided to refrain from posting until I have something good to say. So it’s time to bid a Dieu for a little while. If things work out nicely, I should be posting here again soon.. but don’t be surprised if it doesn’t happen for quite some time, either.

Good bye.

Where am I going?
Where have I been?
Where am I?
I don’t know..
I don’t know..
I don’t know.

I feel hopelessly lost in this life; everything just comes and goes, fluttering about around me while I am in a stupor. I’m floating through life right now, as helpless as a leaf caught in the wind. What am I to do? My hopes and dreams are as fleeting as waves crashing on a far shore; they start high, but then I just hope that I can survive another day. I have lived enough of this life to appreciate all of the things I don’t have in it.

Why do I do this to myself? What do I indulge in all of the crap that happens? Because it’s so easy. It’s easy to feel miserable and to hate this or that. I tried to stay on the good side of things, but they almost always fall through. I’ve come to expect the worst more often than not. Sad, but true. Perhaps what is even sadder is that I’m often right.

So now what? Do I go on hating home and hating work and hating whatever else? Absolutely. Give me one good reason not to go on doing this… what is there to like about this? I work my ass off day in and day out and I don’t get anything out of it. I’m not appreciated anywhere. I’m very bitter.

I guess it doesn’t surprise me to have a garbage week. It reminds me of most other weeks this past summer. It seems like every day is the same for me: wake up, eat, get ready for work, board a crappy smelly disgusting bus, show up late because public tranportation sucks, slave away for hours on end, eat, endure all of the crap at work, board a crappy smelly disgusting bus, arrive home, feel miserable, and sleep. Quite the life, huh?

In summation, work really sucks. Hard. I can’t wait until I quit. That’s when I get my life back. I hope.

Hi everyone… I realize it’s been quite some time since I’ve posted, and I do apologize. But I offer an explanation: work has been taking up most of my time and, when I’m not at work, I sleep. On weekends, I’ve been heading out of town as often as possible; last weekend I went to Waterloo, and this weekend, I’m heading up to Haliburton to visit a friend.

While I was at Waterloo, I attened St. Jerome’s service, as always. I hate to say it, but it was the first time that I was at Mass for a long time. In fact, I’m ashamed of that… it’s been really hard to find the motivation to get to Church, and I hope that I can refind my faith again. It’s a long, arduous road. During the homily, the presiding priest had something very interesting to say. He spoke about something in a way that I never really considered before, and it opened my eyes a little. Allow me to elaborate:

He spoke about love and fear, and how they are inextricably tied together. At first, I was skeptical, since I thought that being loved shouldn’t involve much fear. Sure there’s the fear of losing it, but this is not what he was trying to say. Instead, he suggested that we are terribly afraid of love. The reasoning behind the idea is this: love is very, very overwhelming at times, and it brings with it a great deal of responsibility. Furthermore, love involves plenty of commitment. So, we are afraid of what love brings to the table. (Note that I’m not talking about lovey-dovey, happy-go-lucky relationships because those are fake; love involves a lot of work and sacrifice.) The greatest love, God’s love, is the one of which people are most afraid. This makes sense, though, as the greater the love, the greater the responsibilities and such that come with it.

What stuck me hardest, however, was an analogy that he made to explain this a little better. Think about a wolf with a thorn in its paw. Then we come and see this wolf, wimpering in the corner. Feeling sympathy for it, we go over, and reach for the thorn so that we can pull it out and relieve the pain. What we find, however, is that the wolf will bite us, even though that we are offering to do something for its own good. I can’t help but feel that I, and so many other people, am like that wolf; I am afraid of something – God’s love – because of what it brings with it. I bite the hand that’s feeding me.

What then, am I to do? I cannot sit here idly while God tries to pull out a thorn. I can either suffer for a while and reap the benefits that come down the road, or continue with the status quo, whether good or bad. The choice seems obvious, but to follow suit is unspeakably hard, at least for me. Maybe I’m in the process of getting that thorn out right now.. I really don’t know. Either way, I hope that I, and all of you, will have the faith and trust in love to endure its hardships to gain the rewards it offers.

Billy Corgan sings, “Love is suicide.” For a long time, I thought of this in a negative light; I thought that he was trying to say that love brings about so much pain and suffering that it is comparable to taking one’s own life. But I think I’m seeing a different pictures now: because of love, I cease to be the person I once was. I am transformed. I am new.