On Friday, I was eating dinner with Shanna and a few others, and we were talking about professors. Rather jokingly, I said that Arts profs think that a 70% average is low, so they feel no other recourse but to bell-curve it up to 110%. Shanna mentioned that her prof cries in class and, I, without thinking (as it usually happens), proceeded to sarcastically call him a woman. Not long after dinner, Shanna messaged me and expressed her disgust and disappointment at what I did. At first, I was almost indignant when I said that what I said was not what I think. While that is true, it took some time before I started to feel remorse for what I had done. I later told her that I meant no disrespect to females, or to her prof, and said that I think it takes a lot of character for someone to cry in public. Especially if that someone is a person with authority, crying in front of people he/she doesn’t know. I certainly felt that I could not see myself doing anything like that; I would be far too ashamed.

But why am I afraid to cry in public? Why is anyone afraid to cry in public? Crying is not always associated with weakness; very often, it is related to great joy and happiness. Either way, a very powerful emotion is usually at work when someone cries. I suppose that I am afraid because I don’t want to be seen as weak, as often criers are. Rather than being viewed as a sentimental person, I often force myself to not cry so that I can come across as staunch and strong. As much as I shouldn’t be, I am very self-conscious of the way others perceive me. The moment I learn to stop living for others and to start living only for God and myself, the better.

In any case, I had a very humbling experience that is, ironically, related to what I have just finished saying: today, I went with other residents to watch Passion of the Christ. I have read a couple of reviews on it, and I heard a lot about it before going. I also heard that a lot of people cry during the movie. Kat suggested that I would laugh at her if I saw her cry during the movie. I cried. For about half of the movie, I either had tears flowing down my face, or my eyes were brimming with them. Needless to say, it was a very effecting movie, and I would whole-heartedly recommend it to anyone.

I’m not going to go into the movie because the meaning and message drawn from it will be different for everyone. Nevertheless, there is indeed a very profound message throughout the movie, and I pray that anyone who sees the movie will both find their message, and heed it.

It’s so lonely here with almost everyone gone for Reading Week (or Reading Two Days)… 🙁 I guess my being on Don duty isn’t helping much; I get to spend the entire week in almost complete solitude.

So in my abundant spare time, I’ve been playing guitar, and working on another College directory. Isn’t my life exciting? I need sleep.

February 14th: the magical day where couples put aside their arguments and tussles to spend a nice, amorous day together. Or maybe it’s the day where they just pretend everything is okay to celebrate another retail holiday. Or, possibly, a new spark is created. For me, at least for now, it’s just another day. Even if I did have a girlfriend, I often wonder if I would ever feel the need to “celebrate” Valentine’s Day; I certainly hope that I won’t need to designate one day each year to show her how much she meant to me. If I did… well… then there really wouldn’t be much of a relationship.

So while I’m sitting here, listening to some new Coldplay that I bought, I notice little lovebirds flying around making their merry ways to wherever they are going. Some of these relationships are quite new; there was the St. Paul’s formal last weekend, and it seems a rather insane number of people at the College found it sufficiently romantic to hook up with another resident. Some people (not I) have been so bold to call it disgusting, but I only find maybe one or so of them disgusting.

I can’t help but feel that some of them are forced relationships; one (or both) members are convincing themselves that it was meant to be, even though I feel it’s far too premature. I, however, am not one to criticize them; I will think my own thoughts and keep them nice and anonymous.

Maybe I’m too cold for my own good. Perhaps I’m even a little bitter or jealous. I’d be lying if I said that I didn’t see some potential relationships I might have had here. More often than not, however, there has always been something that stood out that really quashed the possibility, as I am extremely picky (or, at least I’d like to think I am).

For now, I guess, I’ll just lay low and watch things unfold before me. If something (or someone) were to float my way, I’d have to test the waters pretty well before I jump into anything. After all, it’d be a waste of everyone’s time if I didn’t feel something strong about it. I’ll leave it up to God to point me in the right direction.