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Things unsaid

Posted on June 25th, 2004

I’ve been thinking about doing something in particular for quite a long time now and, now that most of my midterms are behind me, I think that now would be a good time to do it. Let me begin, however, by providing some background information.

Like most people, there are a lot of decisions that I regret: there are plenty of things that I have said and have done that I wish I hadn’t, and things that I wish that I did say and did do. Both action and inaction has done me wrong. Over the past couple of weeks, I have been reflecting about a very big mistake that I made: going into Software Engineering.

Without going into too much detail, I can say that Software Engineering is not for me. The work that I do in the program brings me no sense of accomplishment or enjoyment, and I certainly do not see myself as a Software Engineer when I graduate. I refuse to be bound to a computer for the rest of my life, and I feel that I have a lot more potential than to sit and code my life away.

So I set in motion what I hope will be the road to another program. I’ve considered the Math-Business Double Degree and Single Degree programs, and I’m just waiting for an academic advisor to provide some more feedback. I’ve finally caved, and I’m listening to what a lot of people have been telling me to do for.. over a year.

What had inadvertantly happened, though, was a re-evaluation of a lot of other things in my life. I began to realize that I have made a lot of other mistakes, and I don’t think that I have dealt with them properly. In particular, I’m thinking about the mistakes that affected other people — my friends.

Largely due to my own stupidity, stubbornness, or a plethora of other undesirable traits that I have, I have managed to cause real harm to people that really mean a lot to me. And I think that most of them know who they are. I still have not forgiven myself for those actions/inactions, and I feel terrible for letting things happen the way they did.

I hope that I have learned from those mistakes, and that I have matured as a person because of them. But it would certainly be a high price to pay for whatever I did gain. I have hurt God, and I have hurt my friends, and there is no denying it. Sometimes, I really can be an awful person.

So what I would like to do is to sincerely apologize to those whom I have offended and hurt, to those whom I have alienated, and to those whom I have disappointed. I know that some of the people who I am specifically thinking about may not even read what I have to say here anymore, but I hope that, somehow, they can find there way here and, maybe.. just maybe.. find it in their hearts to give me another chance.. as undeserving as I am.

I think that this is the last post that I am going to make for a while, so that those people have the highest chance of seeing this post. I would hate for them to visit this site and have this post lost towards the bottom. God bless, all of you, and please remember to keep me in your prayers.

One Response to “Things unsaid”

  1. Rodney Says:

    I’ve been praying for you since Saturday, and I will keep it up.


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