I came home last night (for the second weekend in a row!) and I was essentially alone in the apartment for a good long while; Dad went off somewhere and Grandma was sleeping. Then it hit me.

I’ve been trying to fight off the urge for a long while, but the allure of it was surprisingly tempting. Its “rewards” were only short-lived; it would not have been long after that I would have felt terrible about it.

I tried to fight again. But it was relentless last night. It was so convenient… it always is. Besides, nobody would really know. Usually I’m pretty strong-willed about this, but I caved. Yep, I gave in to my wanton desires.

I ate McDonald’s. 🙁

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I went home this past weekend so that I could bring some of my winter stuff back (which would save me from moving it at the end of the month), and so that I could be in Toronto for the “Evolving Church” Conference that was happening at Tyndale on Saturday. To my surprise, my dad was on time in the morning (as he has a tendency to be late) and we were on our way soon after he had arrived.

I’ve noticed that my driving was less skillful than before; that’s not to say that I was close to being in an accident, but I was more mindless with paying attention to what was ahead of me. So I sometimes had less stopping distance than what I would have liked. I should probably get my new license soon…

Dad and I had a pretty good talk on Friday. We talked about church and my future. I realized that my attitudes towards church has really changed since I left home to come to university. I also realized that I am not much closer to figuring out where I’m going to be in the future. 🙁

I moped around the apartment until that evening, when I was supposed to see my mom (as it was her birthday on Saturday). She picked me up at around 7 and we made our way over to her place. I insisted that I would cook and I made two absolutely giant pieces of salmon. I also had the luxury of cooking on a cast iron pan!! (I know, I’m a dork.) While cooking, I stumbed upon a most unusual combination: salmon and curry. You see, I was putting some powder on the salmon as part of my marinade.. I thought it was onion powder and I knew that it looked a little funny and smelled a little funny. But it wasn’t until it was cooking that I realized what it was. Fortunately, it didn’t turn out all that bad! That said, it’s advisable to not put curry on your salmon 😉

After supper, I browsed through some old photographs that she had. Most of the pictures of me were taken when I was between 0 and 7 years old. I guess they stopped taking pictures after that. But the ones I did see brought back a lot of memories: super untrendy clothes, Scouts Canada, playing with my brother, and birthdays. I got a good laugh out of a lot of them. Hopefully I can get them scanned somewhere and I’ll post one or two on here!

When I got back home, I thought about all that had transpired that day. It didn’t seem all that special at the time, but I think that I connected with my parents again.. at least for a moment. Truth be told, I can’t really remember the last time I felt that way. But part of me really wishes that it wasn’t so. While I attribute a lot of my independent behaviour to my experience with my parents’ separation, I think that I’d gladly trade that in to have a closer family.

I know that I’d be playing the what-if game by thinking about that too much, but I see other people with tight families and I do get jealous. It often seems like I missed out on something truly special. Not too long ago, I had a conversation with Jenna about our families… she grew up with a tighter family and we both couldn’t imagine what it would have been like to have experienced the other’s reality.

That conversation affirmed that I want a close family. I wondered, before, if it is too late to start with my own right now. As of now, I don’t think I’m any closer to answering that question, but I think that I”m more open to it than before. One thing that I know for certain is that I will really work to have a close family when I raise my own. Well, if that ever happens.

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I had some really high hopes for the conference. The main speakers were Chris Seay, Donald Miller, and Brian McLaren. I’ve read some of the latter two’s books and I’ve really enjoyed them. Brian McLaren, in particular, is a very engaging author with some very fascinating ideas. The last time that I saw him, I was left dumbfounded by his message.

Chris spoke about being authentic. While his speech was geared more towards pastors (he discussed being real while preaching), part of it certainly applies to non-pastors. In a sense, we all preach what we believe by what we say and do. He believes that dishonesty is running rampant in our society today as we are brainwashed into believing that we are in competition with everyone else; by subscribing to that, weaknesses are covered up or ignored and strengths are advertised for all to see. So we all throw up fronts to each other and become disconnected. Nothing new here, but it was refreshing to be challenged to be authentic again.

(Aside: Interestingly enough, Tom Morris spoke about being real at The Embassy on Monday. It was an amazing message and I feel that it connected with a lot of people, myself included. While I’m not going to air my dirty laundry right here and now, it shouldn’t surprise anyone that things are a lot messier than I let on. More on this in a future post, I’m sure.)

Brian’s workshop dealt with the Kingdom of God, which is something he explores in his forthcoming book. With examples and Biblical references, he entertained the thought of the Kingdom of God already being here on Earth. I think that he was being intentionally vague because this could easily be misread and misinterpreted to lead to some very wild conclusions. I don’t think that I’m fit to really discuss this much more, so I’ll stop things here. But, needless to say, it was very thought-provoking and intriguing.

Donald’s speech discussed the problems with the modern, free-market-economy interpretation of the gospel. I probably enjoyed his talk the most, as it was riddled with a lot of great quotes. He spoke very much like he writes in his books; he was very down-to-earth, funny, and relatable. He pointed out how people have been selling Jesus and the Bible as products.. how people have claimed that we have holes in our lives and Jesus will fill it right up. This sounds great and all but, when I look at my life, I’m not completely fulfilled; I yearn for more and I’m not completely happy. So it seems to me that Jesus is a pretty mediocre product. Maybe I’m not using the product properly but what’s more likely is that it’s not supposed to be a product at all. Christianity is relational and we can’t sell relationships. Again, nothing earth-shattering but it was really good to hear it said.

Brian’s speech dealt with the emergent church. Whatever that means. He talked about what it might look like, and where it might fit in with the current status of the church. Perhaps it would be treated like another denomination, or perhaps it would be something that transcends denominations. It’s hard to be specific with any of this because it’s in motion and nobody really knows where it’s going to end up. It is because of this uncertainty and lack of substance that I found Brian’s speech to be the least engaging and useful.

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I met with Dom today for a long time. Over three hours long. It was supposed to be about the website, but I’d say that the bulk of the time was spent talking about theology and applications to The Embassy. It was a good, long talk.

The biggest thing that I got out of the conversation was a greater appreciation for my Catholic upbringing. In the past, I have been awfully cynical and negative towards how I was raised in the Catholic church, but Dom impressed on me how meaningful and useful it is.

As seemingly repetitive and redundant as it is, the Catholics (in general) do seem to have one thing right: a devotion to tradition. Some see this as a bad thing. I used to. I used to think that the Catholic church clung too tightly to tradition and didn’t grow and adapt to our culture.

Then Dom pulled out a money quote: “Tradition is the living faith of the dead; traditionalism is the dead faith of the living.” The distinction can be subtle, but it’s there. I had used tradition and traditionalism interchangably and that, as I learned, was a terrible mistake.

It is through tradition – and only through tradition – that was know about Jesus. The early Christians passed information about Jesus by mouth and eventually on manuscripts. They knew, more than anyone else, who Jesus was. After all, they were the ones that were around at the time (or shortly after) of Jesus.

As time wore on, new generations questioned these things and came up with new theories. But, through the oral and written tradition, Christians could gauge which were consistent with what they believed and which were not. As an example, the gnostic beliefs were inconsistent with what Jesus taught and Christians clarified this through various creeds so that others can know what Christians believe.

Traditionalism, however, is a different story. This happens when people do things because that’s the way they have always done it. (Read: this is not people doing things because that’s the way they believe it is right to do it.) I still think that the Catholic church does suffer from this a little bit, but it’s not nearly as big of an issue as I thought it was. After all, Masses are now held in local languages and priests now face the congregation. So the church is changing, but its roots are still firmly planted in tradition (and I feel that they should be).

With this new perspective, I have a drastically different picture of my upbringing. The faith was not dead; instead, I let it die in me. I let myself become lost in the recited prayers. I let myself just go through the motions. I was the one that lost meaning. Part of this dawned on me when I went back to a Catholic Mass after I started to go to The Embassy; I thought about what I was saying and it started to be meaningful again. Now, I feel like I could go to Mass and love every moment of it.

So, thanks to a heavy dose of reality by Dom (he said that we ate steak today while he usually serves milkshakes), I have a newfound respect and appreciation for Catholicism. I am intrigued by early Christianity. I am fascinated and mystified by the creeds. I am excited as a Christian again.

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Recently, I decided that I would stop going to Elevation. This is not the first time that I have considered this move; the last time was around a year and a half ago.

My decision does not reflect what I think about Elevation or the people that attend; it is a wonderful place with a great community. I am not dissatisfied with it, and I would gladly point my friends in that direction.

I guess the thing is that I find it too much like Monday Nights. It’s somewhat hard to avoid since it’s essentially the same people behind it. While the demographics are different, it has a feel that I find on Monday Nights as well. And I think that once a week is enough.

Maybe I’m burning out a little bit, too. Granted, the past many months have not been nearly as stressful as those during the ESA fiasco or the website redesign phase, but I’ve been plugging away with these guys for a while without much of a break.

So, for two of the last three Sundays, I have made my way to Community Fellowship. I had been there a couple of times before and I didn’t see any reason to not go again. A bonus is that I can usually get a ride there, too!

I remember when I first went (a couple of years ago), I didn’t know anyone except the people with whom I went. I recall a complaint that I had: “There’s no community at Community!” Now, I recognize a good bunch of people there and that really makes it easier to go back.

I’m not sure how permanent this move is going to be; when I relocate to Weber and Bridgeport, I’m going to be a lot further away and I doubt that I’ll have a ride. At the same time, I’m going to be a lot closer to WMB, about which I have heard lots of good things. So maybe I’ll go there. Or maybe I’ll go back to Elevation. Who knows.

In a way, this is a good exercise for me; I don’t want to get stuck into a habit and lose meaning when I attend a Sunday morning service. This reminds me that I should be able to worship God wherever I am, and it encourages me to focus more on what’s being said and done.

Yep, I’m happy with my decision.