no pretenses here
Posted on July 2nd, 2003“Happiness and love… for me they’re inseparably joined with loss and death. Black and white are the opposite ends of the scale but they can’t be separated, they’re tied together in a strange way. Nothing lasts forever, nothing is eternal, everything is changing, fleeting, only for the moment, so everything is meant to fade, to break, to disappear, to frown or to fail. That’s life and I don’t want to dress it up and pretend it’s different than it really is.”
– Billy Corgan
July 3rd, 2003 at 6:23 am
Isn’t it true? How often does it occur that something, no matter how good or bad, goes away? I don’t think he’s talking about God, and I wasn’t thinking that what he said applied to God. But how true it is for life on earth. More often than not, you can’t count on things to last. At least, I can’t. Maybe you’re right. Maybe I am reading and listening to crap. Maybe it all puts me in a poor frame of mind. But how can I deny the past? The past, where things go sour over and over and over again. It has never stopped happening, and I’ve grown accustomed to expecting it to happen. Deep down, I can’t help but feel that things won’t work out, or that they were just some flukes, or that they were too good to be true, or something. You’re right, Kat: when you said that I was “always down”, there is more truth in that than most people would think. Yeah I could be all smiles from one day to the next, but that doesn’t change who I am on the inside. Inside, I am cold, battered, and bruised. I am a poor, tortured soul. You’ve seen glimpses of this, I’m sure. Most people who I trust have. But I try to hide it. I bottle it up, and I try to ignore it. Most of the time, it works. But sometimes, well, I lose control. Thankfully, I don’t lash out or become violent. I just become sullen and bitter. Even worse, sometimes I cry.
On second thought, perhaps there is some practical application to what he said in regards to God. After all, it is only when one is empty that one can be filled with God. It is only when one has nothing that one can gain everything. Actually, I think I may be stretching myself here. Nevermind.
Sometimes I really wish that music did not have such an impact on me. It can really set my mood, putting me at either a great or poor disposition. The Pumpkins have music that can do both. But hey, even the happy songs can get me down.
Anyhow I’m babbling and not making things any better; I’m probably just digging myself a deeper and deeper hole. So, enough about my misery.
I really hope that you enjoy Mere Christianity. I think that you’ll be able to take a lot out of it, even though it make take some time to read it. I’m pretty sure that you’ll find yourself re-reading some parts because Lewis is not the best at making things clear. I started Screwtape last night, and I hope that it helps me continue my uphill battle to find my faith again. “Nobody said it was easy; No one ever said it would be this hard.” – Coldplay
Oh how I love that song… ;(
July 3rd, 2003 at 12:55 pm
that’s pretty hopeless and depressing. no wonder its not hard for you to feel down sometimes. listening to dumbtown bands like that would make me sad too! hehe sorry i had to bug ya about SP in my comment. that is pretty disparing though. not something that sounds like faith in God and heaven and fullness of life.
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Thanks for coming out. Banned.