For the past few days, I’ve been getting set off by anything. Not overtly so but, in my head, I have been letting some pretty nasty thoughts and emotions roam free. I felt it in my heart, too… as if it was tightening up and sinking deeper into my chest cavity. Now I wouldn’t consider myself an angry or hostile person, so it goes without saying that I think that this is quite uncharacteristic of me.

I realize that, from time to time, people have their moods and it can be passed off as natural. But this was different. I was brooding over these feelings; I let them fester inside of me. I imagined situations where I would be a complete jerk, saying and doing some terrible things. What’s worse is that some of these situations involved people I respect and consider my friends.

All of this was quite inexplicable. Even now, I’m sitting here wondering what came over me. In trying to figure it out, I got a glimpse of a different perspective… one that I hadn’t felt for a really long time. I am so, so, so lucky.

I mean, I can go on and on about all the things that I don’t have in life and.. frig.. that pales in comparison to what I do have. Living in New York has given me an opportunity to see people at both ends of the possession spectrum: bums sleeping in urine-soaked pants on the street and multi-millionaires riding in black stretch Mercedes limos. Certainly, I am grateful that I don’t have to face the challenges that the homeless do, but I can’t say that I’m jealous of the super-rich. At least, not anymore.

Sure, their cars are nice and I’m sure their homes are nice, too. But I don’t need that. I don’t need a lot of things that I have right now. It’s overwhelming to think about my place in life. Here is a (very) brief synopsis:

I am a 22-year old studying Mathematics and Business at a highly-acclaimed university, currently living in a luxury apartment in New York City while on a work term at a job paying me more than many people make when they’re in the prime of their careers. I have a great group of friends and a family that will always be there for me. I am healthy, safe, and well-fed. Oh. And, of course, I have my faith.

Like I said just a couple of paragraphs up, I already have too much. Granted there are times when it doesn’t feel like it (e.g. living paycheque-to-paycheque for six weeks), but it’s hard to argue that I – that we – live in very cushy lifestyle. Indeed, we are in the upper echelon in the world. Even as students or recent graduates.

I really wish that I can keep feeling this way. It’ll help me curb jealousy. It’ll make it so much easier to give my time and money to worthwhile causes. It’ll help me stay happy.

I’m humbled.

Eight o’clock, alarm blaring. Cloudy.
Tired.
Lineup for Chicago tickets with coop.
Excited.
No uptown subway service. No way to make meeting time.
Frustrated.
No cell phone number. No Lisa. No tickets.
Helpless.
Bookstore. Paulo Coelho. $13.
Motivated.
Shake Shack. Shack burger. $4.75.
Molested.
Sitting on bench. Book in hand. Dogs surround. Jackhammers.
Satisfied.
Bus stop, craving gum. Considering lines.
Thoughtful.
“I’ve got a date.” “I just ran out.”
Ridiculous.
Forefront Church ministry. Gum handouts. Sunlight spilling over clouds.
Delighted.
One thirty. Chewing gum. No plans.
Tired.

Well I didn’t end up going to the Museum of Modern Art, but I more than made up for it by going to a Broadway show and the Hard Rock Cafe instead!!!

I, along with two other coops here, scored AMAZING tickets to RENT!!! I WAS IN THE FRONT ROW AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH! The show itself was, not surprisingly, ridiculously good and I am very exciting about seeing other shows in the near future! (I need to make amends for not seeing live theatre for a few years.)

We actually met a couple of tourists from Minnesota outside the theatre who also had orchestra tickets. And, because we were so excited and giddy in the moment, we invited them to join us for lunch at the Hard Rock Cafe! Now I’m surprised that I was as open and talkative and social as I was, but maybe it was just because I was having a most fantastically excellent day. Jealous? You should be. 🙂

While I am taking advantage of seeing really exciting things and enjoying work and all that, being in New York isn’t all perfect.

For one, my commitment to help out with the Embassy’s website has been extremely difficult to manage; getting things organized and done remotely is pretty rough and there are (many, many) times when I have been really frustrated at the pace at which things are moving. It is clear to me that they do not operate in nearly the same way as I do, and I try to be understanding, but it’s hard. Real hard. In fact, I’m starting to second-guess how involved I am going to be come January…

And then there is the fact that most of my friends aren’t here. New York would be unbelievably cool if some of my good friends were here to experience it with me. But I’ve been flying (nearly) solo and, despite my efforts to find people with whom to spend time, it gets a little lonely. I miss you guys.