iTunes played this song that Sarah wrote and recorded really hits home with me (and probably everyone else):

i’m in love with me
and in the way the world revolves
around everything i do
and wish to be true

i’m in love with me
and in the thought that i can solve
anyone’s problems

i try not to look at life so selfishly
but my reflection is so clear
sometimes it is all i see

i’m in love with me
and in the way i want to be seen
everywhere i go
i wish it wasn’t so

i’m in love with me
and in the way my trust leans
on what everybody thinks

in reality of full of insecurities
i pretend all these things are my personality
and i’m so scared of so many things
but what does this kind of love
really bring?

i’ll let go of this pride suicide
this self-indulgent love
is killing me inside
i’ll hold onto the treasures in this life:
who i truly am deep down inside
and the things that last after i die

i need a saviour to rescue me
an honest mirror to face my fears
a revelation to get through to me
a little grace, a bit more truth
and i’ll be seeing more of you

if i was in love with you
i’d be more concerned with who i am
and who i would become
and i’d really learn to love

Very briefly, for those who care:

– turned down the Chicago job. I don’t think that I would have enjoyed the work, despite being in Smashing Pumpkins city.

– job interview for Morgan Stanley on Monday (for a job in the Big Apple).

– new job interview for NVIDIA next week (for a job in California)! Somehow they found my liberdei.com e-mail address.. how very resourceful of them. I wonder if they’re reading this…? 😮

– four jobs in Waterloo still up in the air.

I’ve taken quite a bit of time today to weigh in on my life. As per usual, I got frustrated with the endless questions that plague my mind and the lack of direction that I’m experiencing.

This is what I have assessed: I’m 22, in university, and trying to find/follow God. I have a good family, and good friends. I like music and dogs.

One thing, however, transcends all of it — the fact that everything is in flux; everything is always changing. I won’t stay 22 forever, just like I didn’t stay 21 or 20 or 19 or whatever. I’m not going to be in university forever. My journey as a Christian will have its twists, impasses, and dead ends. Eventually, my parents will die. Losing friends is an inevitability. So, too, will my hobbies and interests.

I suppose that a couple of things have remained constant: God’s presence (whether I was aware of it or otherwise), and the questions. Oh, the questions.

What have I done that’s truly worthwhile?
Am I in the right program? Should I even be in university?
How do I develop a lasting relationship with God?
Where will I go after I’m done with school?
Who, if anyone, will I fall in love with?
What do other people think of me?
Why don’t I have answers? When, if ever, will I get them?

There have been many times in my life when I thought I had some of those figured out. During those times, I probably walked around brimming and beaming with confidence. Then something happens that screws all of that up and I’m reduced to rubble again. Rinse, repeat.

While I don’t (and shouldn’t) expect to have everything figured out, it would be really nice to have some of the answers. Answers that last. (Here’s where I could pull out the God card and go philosophical on everyone, but life isn’t as easy as that.) I’m wary of quick fixes and weary of long, drawn-out solutions.

I know that I’m not alone with this. I wish, though, that I could find a suitable outlet for everything.

Save me?